I am a married woman now. All is supposed to change. I am supposed to feel a different person now. Yet I don't feel any different than I did before the big day in my life that happened a few weeks ago. I hope I am not giving the impression of someone who is unhappy with their decision. I am very happy to be married. But I was happy before too. I am very happy with my husband but I was happy with him as my boyfriend and then as my fiance. So, the cataclysmic change that I had predicted - well I feel of that, at least not so far.
Now, mind you it is possible I feel none of that because things haven't changed since the wedding, logistically speaking. We are and will still be long distance as we were prior to the wedding for a few more months. Work has become quite stressful for both of us and to top it all I intend to apply to business schools in the next 2 months - quite an arduous task if you ask me, so my focus is elsewhere.
These days all I think about is the transition from having a job to no job, from having financial independence to being dependent on someone - until I finish business school, from living in a small city where I have lots of close friends to living in a city where for the most part I'll only know my husband.. I am also anxious to bits about getting into business school. I really really really want to get into a good MBA program. This is something I have wanted for so long I can't even remember. A lot is riding on me getting into a great MBA school.
I am sure when I start living with my husband(something I am finding very hard to get used to saying) that is when things will be really different. Perhaps that is when I'll start to feel the life altering change that people keep talking about after weddings. Or perhaps these changes happen gradually over time and not overnight.. whatever the case, I am very content with where I am in my life and where life is heading for me.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Letting Go
It just occured to me last night how much it makes sense to let go. I have been hearing for most of my life how we should all let go of our past, our grieviences, our "should haves", "could haves" and "would haves". You see it on TV, you read it on self help books, you hear it from well meaning friends who themselves may have no idea how it's done, your yoga instructor tells you that, your personal trainer tells you that. Heck is there anyone who doesn't tell you that. You may think that it is an art that the whole world has mastered except you. Yet it is really elusive to most of us.
Last night I was watching TV and something on the screen made me remember things from life that had nothing to do with it as it often happens. In any case, it just occured to me that letting go is so easy. You just do it. And that's it. There are no twelve steps, no cleansing, no toning and followed my moisturising. It's just one step. You just let go. And if for that one second you just do it as one step, you all of a sudden feel so light. Life's good again. You al
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December 2nd 2011: I wrote this post a while ago and for some reason decided not to finish the thought.. I wish I had.. I think I was going somewhere profound with it.. Nonetheless, I am going to publish this half written post
Last night I was watching TV and something on the screen made me remember things from life that had nothing to do with it as it often happens. In any case, it just occured to me that letting go is so easy. You just do it. And that's it. There are no twelve steps, no cleansing, no toning and followed my moisturising. It's just one step. You just let go. And if for that one second you just do it as one step, you all of a sudden feel so light. Life's good again. You al
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December 2nd 2011: I wrote this post a while ago and for some reason decided not to finish the thought.. I wish I had.. I think I was going somewhere profound with it.. Nonetheless, I am going to publish this half written post
Friday, June 10, 2011
in transition..
I am a woman standing on the brink of a major transition in life. Most of the time I look forward to this transition with a smile on my face and an eagerness: It can't come soon enough. Sometimes though, I find myself a little scared. I am about to be married in less than half a year and yesterday, for the first time I realized what people mean when they say marriage changes everything.. For the first time I truly felt scared of the change that's about to come. I can't am choosing not to delve into details of what brought upon this fear. It won't change anything and it's not really the point of this post anyway.
I am a 31 year old woman who got engaged a couple of months ago after dating my boyfriend for a over a year. He's a very nice guy, very attentive to my needs, supportive of my goals and dreams, and one of the most compassionate person you will ever come across. He takes care of the people he loves with such a fervour, you would think that that's his one and only life mission. And his kindness and niceness isn't due to any underlying weakness - he's a strong, stubborn man and can very rarely be convinced to do anything that he feels inherently against. No, he cares for people because of an underlying niceness that is his genuine nature. I feel lucky to have him as my future life partner.
Our relationship isn't without problems - what relationship is, after all? If there aren't any problems, I believe that in it self is a big problem! We've had our share of ups and downs but after a little bit of tumbling and a few scrapes and cuts we are on the right track. We are happy with each other, we have no doubts that we want to marry each other and yet a part of me is scared about the future. What if things change after marriage? What if we drift apart? What if we stop loving each other? What if we start fighting a lot? What if we discover some inherent incompatibilities that will only reveal itself after marriage? What if money comes in between us? What if he strays? What if I stray? What if? What if? What if?
I could go on and on and on with these doubts. But the truth of the matter is that I am truly happy that I am engaged to be married. Before I met my fiance, I was single for such a long time, I had forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship. When he came into my life, I had all but given up on ever finding love or ever being married. And it's not that I needed a man to take care of me but I wanted a man. I feel like life is so much better when you have someone to share this incredible journey with. So no matter how many doubts or fears come my way, I know I am truly lucky and blessed to be on this journey towards a wedding and marriage and that too with the best person I could hope for!
I am a 31 year old woman who got engaged a couple of months ago after dating my boyfriend for a over a year. He's a very nice guy, very attentive to my needs, supportive of my goals and dreams, and one of the most compassionate person you will ever come across. He takes care of the people he loves with such a fervour, you would think that that's his one and only life mission. And his kindness and niceness isn't due to any underlying weakness - he's a strong, stubborn man and can very rarely be convinced to do anything that he feels inherently against. No, he cares for people because of an underlying niceness that is his genuine nature. I feel lucky to have him as my future life partner.
Our relationship isn't without problems - what relationship is, after all? If there aren't any problems, I believe that in it self is a big problem! We've had our share of ups and downs but after a little bit of tumbling and a few scrapes and cuts we are on the right track. We are happy with each other, we have no doubts that we want to marry each other and yet a part of me is scared about the future. What if things change after marriage? What if we drift apart? What if we stop loving each other? What if we start fighting a lot? What if we discover some inherent incompatibilities that will only reveal itself after marriage? What if money comes in between us? What if he strays? What if I stray? What if? What if? What if?
I could go on and on and on with these doubts. But the truth of the matter is that I am truly happy that I am engaged to be married. Before I met my fiance, I was single for such a long time, I had forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship. When he came into my life, I had all but given up on ever finding love or ever being married. And it's not that I needed a man to take care of me but I wanted a man. I feel like life is so much better when you have someone to share this incredible journey with. So no matter how many doubts or fears come my way, I know I am truly lucky and blessed to be on this journey towards a wedding and marriage and that too with the best person I could hope for!
Monday, June 6, 2011
One more time
So I find myself once again at the footsteps of blogging. I wrote my first post exactly 2 years ago when I was convinced that I couldn't blog but was drenching in so much pain, I needed an outlet for it. As I hit publish to that first post, I had no idea if my words would even reach one person, but with that first comment back I felt the minutest of a connect with a total stranger. It is unbelievable how strangers who have never met each other in real life, who come from different walks of life, who differ in everything imaginable: cultures, countries, nationalities, mother tongues, education, religion, age, become close friends and care deeply for one another.
Things took off from that first post and I started writing unabashedly. I was an anonymous blogger so it made it easy for me to write whatever my pretty little heart desired. It was a safe place for me to explore my deepest darkest thoughts as well shallow frivolous ones. And then a friend, close friend, hacked into my account. I changed blogs but that security of anonymity and freedom was compromised. I could no longer write without giving too much thought about what others would think. I started getting paranoid that someone else may find my blog. I plowed through my fears, took refuge under password protection but nothing seemed to help much.
To add to it all, I received some harsh judgements from a well meaning blog friend on one of my posts. I think she jumped to conclusions too quickly. Even though the judgement was pronounced on my anonymous self, I still couldn't help but feel it was directed at me. I kept telling myself that this person does not know me, she pronounced judgement based on the words I wrote, which does not by any means summarize who I am as a person. My words gives a view into a tiny part of me. It does not show me in my entirety. Regardless, it was another blow to my already bruised blog-ego. If it was a random person leaving a nasty comment, I could brush it off without any issues, but this was a person who had become a friend. It didn't help that my personal life was in shambles at the same. I quit blogging shortly after that.
Which brings me to today.If you blog once and connect with even a few people, the lure back to it is undeniable.You feel a tug every now and then. So I am back and this time around, it is with no fear of being "found out". What will be written here will be 100% authentic me, my thoughts. What I will write about here remains to be seen.. So let the journey begin!!
Things took off from that first post and I started writing unabashedly. I was an anonymous blogger so it made it easy for me to write whatever my pretty little heart desired. It was a safe place for me to explore my deepest darkest thoughts as well shallow frivolous ones. And then a friend, close friend, hacked into my account. I changed blogs but that security of anonymity and freedom was compromised. I could no longer write without giving too much thought about what others would think. I started getting paranoid that someone else may find my blog. I plowed through my fears, took refuge under password protection but nothing seemed to help much.
To add to it all, I received some harsh judgements from a well meaning blog friend on one of my posts. I think she jumped to conclusions too quickly. Even though the judgement was pronounced on my anonymous self, I still couldn't help but feel it was directed at me. I kept telling myself that this person does not know me, she pronounced judgement based on the words I wrote, which does not by any means summarize who I am as a person. My words gives a view into a tiny part of me. It does not show me in my entirety. Regardless, it was another blow to my already bruised blog-ego. If it was a random person leaving a nasty comment, I could brush it off without any issues, but this was a person who had become a friend. It didn't help that my personal life was in shambles at the same. I quit blogging shortly after that.
Which brings me to today.If you blog once and connect with even a few people, the lure back to it is undeniable.You feel a tug every now and then. So I am back and this time around, it is with no fear of being "found out". What will be written here will be 100% authentic me, my thoughts. What I will write about here remains to be seen.. So let the journey begin!!
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