So, why have I been stressed and worried? It's too many things happening all at once. I am really looking forward to some things that are about to happen in my life but not looking forward to closing the door to some others. And there's this elephant in the room, my head which has also been bothering me lately. I wish I could talk about but I can't really. It is one of the minor disadvantages of writing an open blog. Not that anyone actually reads this. But still.........OK, may be I can say this: I have had a really close friend, best friend really. And now we are no longer best friends, or close friends. At least it seems that way from where I see it. And so it makes me very sad.
Back to what I was talking about. So, what is the best thing to look forward to? I'll be living with my husband!!! Another good thing: No more snow! Want another one? I'll be going back to school for MBA(although I haven't heard back from my dream school yet). Another one? I'll get to live in a nice city with lot of culture and lot of fun, exciting things to do. Without doubt there's a lot of great things to look forward to. But there's a lot I am leaving behind. I'll be leaving my job and the security that comes with it. I'll be leaving behind a country I have know almost all my adult life, I'll be leaving behind a lot of close friends - basically I'll be leaving behind all the alliances I have formed over the last 12 years to start fresh. Not knowing whether I'll be able to get the work permit for my internship or after graduation is also a source of some worries.
So it's scary and exciting and a lot of other emotions all jumbled up. One minute I am happy, another minute I am anxious and scared. Too many emotions and too many uncertainties. But, overall in the grand scheme of things, I know these worries are part of life. This unpredictably is life. It's what makes it worth living!
I am having some weight troubles..who doesn't in this day and age.. but I am having some real weight troubles and it's affecting me much too much.. OK, even in that I am not alone, but that doesn't mean I have lost the right to write about it.
I have gained about 10-15 pounds since October of last year. Most would be brides lose weight before the wedding, I might have the only bride who couldn't stop eating in the weeks leading upto the wedding. I did diet in the summer months and got to be my lowest weight ever. But then something happened and I was eating everything under the sun until the wedding day. That trend has unfortunately continued till about a week and a bit ago. Pancakes and french toast for breakfast several times a week, Mc.Donald's, Wendy's, KFC, Taco Bell - places I hadn't gone in years became my regular go to for food. I was way too busy with application preparation, work, long distance marriage that eating out and eating cheap was the only viable option. Sure, I could have taken time out to cook and eat healthy but I didn't. I just assumed that I will lose all the weight I was gaining once I start dieting. I had done this before, several times. I would occasionally, once a year or so, if I was going through a stressful phase, get to eat a little unhealthy, let myself splurge, but then would be able to recover once the guilt of gluttony got to me and I started punishing myself eating healthy again. Except Not.This.Time.
Agreed that I went a crazy for a little too long this time around - months as opposed to my usual weeks and I became a little excessive in my love for chocolate and cookies and desserts and all things fat and sugar. I was completely uninhibited in my love for food this time. But I still believed that once I started detoxifying myself, all would start to get better. Except, it's just not. It's been 12 days on my extremely strict diet full of vegetables, fruits, chicken, nuts, yogurt and skimmed milk. No fried food, no sugary food, no processed food. I am not going anorexic by not eating anything, I have never done that ever and can never do it even if I wanted to. I love food too much to give it up. Every single time in the past, eating healthy always got me on track, but it's not working this time for some reason. I am not expecting miracles, just some difference.The scale hasn't budged even 0.5 pounds!!
Have I just abused my body too much, and it's decided that it will stay the same no matter how hard I try? Is it retaliating against me now? Is the fat too fondly in love with my body that it just doesn't want to let go? I hope not as in a few short weeks, my in-laws are visiting us for the first time since the wedding and they'll be appalled to see what's happened to the beautiful, slim girl they had seen only a few months ago. (Ok, this last sentence sounded like I was boasting. I wasn't. Trust me. I was going for the dramatic factor here.)
Oh, God of weight loss: do something. Do. Something!
In a few weeks time I'll be leaving behind a country I have called home for almost 12 years of my life, aka almost all of my adult life. My friends, my co-workers, my city, my country..everything. I'll have no friends in this new city, no associations with anyone except my husband..I am excited to be moving because our bi-coastal marriage has been very difficult on both of us to say the least. I am happy that this long distance thing is coming to an end but I am also a little sad to leave behind everything that is familiar to me.
A precursor to this big move is that I'll also be quitting work, something I am having a hard time getting used to. Because of visa complications, I can't work in this new country. So quitting a job without a new job to go to is scary. And not knowing when these said visa restrictions will lift is also not very comforting. I have worked for as long as I can remember. I started working even before I graduated and have been completely self reliant since then. So the thought of quitting my job and not having anything else to fall back on makes me extremely anxious. In fact, just last week I had a minor anxiety attack picturing myself giving the official resignation. Though, all of this could become a moot point if my dream to get into one of the MBA schools I have applied to, materializes. I was hoping that by the time I quit, I'll know which school I am going to and that way the quitting work now will feel like a break before starting school. But not having heard from any school so far, makes this quitting just that. Quitting into an abyss of not knowing what comes next.
Apart from these work complications, the other thing that scares me a little is knowing that I have no friends in my new city/country. All of the people I have met so far on visits there are my husbands friends and their wives. They are all really nice people but not one of them I can call my very own close friend. I really hope I can meet some new people and make some new friends, but that's a topic all of it's own.
Having said all that, I am looking forward to moving. I will be living with my husband and setting up a new home, our home. I am looking forward to so many firsts :) He's a sweet man and I know he doesn't take my sacrifices lightly. Finally having some free time will be good as it will allow me to relax and unwind and pursue some of my interests and hobbies that I haven't been able to do all that well. The city I am moving to is a very vibrant city with so much to do and see. The weather there is great, I won't have to deal with snow storms, or for that matter, snow!! So there's definitely quite a few pluses. Most importantly, life will have a completely different flavour from what I have become used to in the last decade of my life. Living with someone, having someone to come home to (or in my case, having someone who comes home to me), living in a big city, meeting new people, living in a different culture, all of that makes this move exciting and something to really look forward to.
