So, why have I been stressed and worried? It's too many things happening all at once. I am really looking forward to some things that are about to happen in my life but not looking forward to closing the door to some others. And there's this elephant in the room, my head which has also been bothering me lately. I wish I could talk about but I can't really. It is one of the minor disadvantages of writing an open blog. Not that anyone actually reads this. But still.........OK, may be I can say this: I have had a really close friend, best friend really. And now we are no longer best friends, or close friends. At least it seems that way from where I see it. And so it makes me very sad.
Back to what I was talking about. So, what is the best thing to look forward to? I'll be living with my husband!!! Another good thing: No more snow! Want another one? I'll be going back to school for MBA(although I haven't heard back from my dream school yet). Another one? I'll get to live in a nice city with lot of culture and lot of fun, exciting things to do. Without doubt there's a lot of great things to look forward to. But there's a lot I am leaving behind. I'll be leaving my job and the security that comes with it. I'll be leaving behind a country I have know almost all my adult life, I'll be leaving behind a lot of close friends - basically I'll be leaving behind all the alliances I have formed over the last 12 years to start fresh. Not knowing whether I'll be able to get the work permit for my internship or after graduation is also a source of some worries.
So it's scary and exciting and a lot of other emotions all jumbled up. One minute I am happy, another minute I am anxious and scared. Too many emotions and too many uncertainties. But, overall in the grand scheme of things, I know these worries are part of life. This unpredictably is life. It's what makes it worth living!
In a few weeks time I'll be leaving behind a country I have called home for almost 12 years of my life, aka almost all of my adult life. My friends, my co-workers, my city, my country..everything. I'll have no friends in this new city, no associations with anyone except my husband..I am excited to be moving because our bi-coastal marriage has been very difficult on both of us to say the least. I am happy that this long distance thing is coming to an end but I am also a little sad to leave behind everything that is familiar to me.
A precursor to this big move is that I'll also be quitting work, something I am having a hard time getting used to. Because of visa complications, I can't work in this new country. So quitting a job without a new job to go to is scary. And not knowing when these said visa restrictions will lift is also not very comforting. I have worked for as long as I can remember. I started working even before I graduated and have been completely self reliant since then. So the thought of quitting my job and not having anything else to fall back on makes me extremely anxious. In fact, just last week I had a minor anxiety attack picturing myself giving the official resignation. Though, all of this could become a moot point if my dream to get into one of the MBA schools I have applied to, materializes. I was hoping that by the time I quit, I'll know which school I am going to and that way the quitting work now will feel like a break before starting school. But not having heard from any school so far, makes this quitting just that. Quitting into an abyss of not knowing what comes next.
Apart from these work complications, the other thing that scares me a little is knowing that I have no friends in my new city/country. All of the people I have met so far on visits there are my husbands friends and their wives. They are all really nice people but not one of them I can call my very own close friend. I really hope I can meet some new people and make some new friends, but that's a topic all of it's own.
Having said all that, I am looking forward to moving. I will be living with my husband and setting up a new home, our home. I am looking forward to so many firsts :) He's a sweet man and I know he doesn't take my sacrifices lightly. Finally having some free time will be good as it will allow me to relax and unwind and pursue some of my interests and hobbies that I haven't been able to do all that well. The city I am moving to is a very vibrant city with so much to do and see. The weather there is great, I won't have to deal with snow storms, or for that matter, snow!! So there's definitely quite a few pluses. Most importantly, life will have a completely different flavour from what I have become used to in the last decade of my life. Living with someone, having someone to come home to (or in my case, having someone who comes home to me), living in a big city, meeting new people, living in a different culture, all of that makes this move exciting and something to really look forward to.
I am a married woman now. All is supposed to change. I am supposed to feel a different person now. Yet I don't feel any different than I did before the big day in my life that happened a few weeks ago. I hope I am not giving the impression of someone who is unhappy with their decision. I am very happy to be married. But I was happy before too. I am very happy with my husband but I was happy with him as my boyfriend and then as my fiance. So, the cataclysmic change that I had predicted - well I feel of that, at least not so far.
Now, mind you it is possible I feel none of that because things haven't changed since the wedding, logistically speaking. We are and will still be long distance as we were prior to the wedding for a few more months. Work has become quite stressful for both of us and to top it all I intend to apply to business schools in the next 2 months - quite an arduous task if you ask me, so my focus is elsewhere.
These days all I think about is the transition from having a job to no job, from having financial independence to being dependent on someone - until I finish business school, from living in a small city where I have lots of close friends to living in a city where for the most part I'll only know my husband.. I am also anxious to bits about getting into business school. I really really really want to get into a good MBA program. This is something I have wanted for so long I can't even remember. A lot is riding on me getting into a great MBA school.
I am sure when I start living with my husband(something I am finding very hard to get used to saying) that is when things will be really different. Perhaps that is when I'll start to feel the life altering change that people keep talking about after weddings. Or perhaps these changes happen gradually over time and not overnight.. whatever the case, I am very content with where I am in my life and where life is heading for me.
