I am a woman standing on the brink of a major transition in life. Most of the time I look forward to this transition with a smile on my face and an eagerness: It can't come soon enough. Sometimes though, I find myself a little scared. I am about to be married in less than half a year and yesterday, for the first time I realized what people mean when they say marriage changes everything.. For the first time I truly felt scared of the change that's about to come. I can't am choosing not to delve into details of what brought upon this fear. It won't change anything and it's not really the point of this post anyway.
I am a 31 year old woman who got engaged a couple of months ago after dating my boyfriend for a over a year. He's a very nice guy, very attentive to my needs, supportive of my goals and dreams, and one of the most compassionate person you will ever come across. He takes care of the people he loves with such a fervour, you would think that that's his one and only life mission. And his kindness and niceness isn't due to any underlying weakness - he's a strong, stubborn man and can very rarely be convinced to do anything that he feels inherently against. No, he cares for people because of an underlying niceness that is his genuine nature. I feel lucky to have him as my future life partner.
Our relationship isn't without problems - what relationship is, after all? If there aren't any problems, I believe that in it self is a big problem! We've had our share of ups and downs but after a little bit of tumbling and a few scrapes and cuts we are on the right track. We are happy with each other, we have no doubts that we want to marry each other and yet a part of me is scared about the future. What if things change after marriage? What if we drift apart? What if we stop loving each other? What if we start fighting a lot? What if we discover some inherent incompatibilities that will only reveal itself after marriage? What if money comes in between us? What if he strays? What if I stray? What if? What if? What if?
I could go on and on and on with these doubts. But the truth of the matter is that I am truly happy that I am engaged to be married. Before I met my fiance, I was single for such a long time, I had forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship. When he came into my life, I had all but given up on ever finding love or ever being married. And it's not that I needed a man to take care of me but I wanted a man. I feel like life is so much better when you have someone to share this incredible journey with. So no matter how many doubts or fears come my way, I know I am truly lucky and blessed to be on this journey towards a wedding and marriage and that too with the best person I could hope for!
So I find myself once again at the footsteps of blogging. I wrote my first post exactly 2 years ago when I was convinced that I couldn't blog but was drenching in so much pain, I needed an outlet for it. As I hit publish to that first post, I had no idea if my words would even reach one person, but with that first comment back I felt the minutest of a connect with a total stranger. It is unbelievable how strangers who have never met each other in real life, who come from different walks of life, who differ in everything imaginable: cultures, countries, nationalities, mother tongues, education, religion, age, become close friends and care deeply for one another.
Things took off from that first post and I started writing unabashedly. I was an anonymous blogger so it made it easy for me to write whatever my pretty little heart desired. It was a safe place for me to explore my deepest darkest thoughts as well shallow frivolous ones. And then a friend, close friend, hacked into my account. I changed blogs but that security of anonymity and freedom was compromised. I could no longer write without giving too much thought about what others would think. I started getting paranoid that someone else may find my blog. I plowed through my fears, took refuge under password protection but nothing seemed to help much.
To add to it all, I received some harsh judgements from a well meaning blog friend on one of my posts. I think she jumped to conclusions too quickly. Even though the judgement was pronounced on my anonymous self, I still couldn't help but feel it was directed at me. I kept telling myself that this person does not know me, she pronounced judgement based on the words I wrote, which does not by any means summarize who I am as a person. My words gives a view into a tiny part of me. It does not show me in my entirety. Regardless, it was another blow to my already bruised blog-ego. If it was a random person leaving a nasty comment, I could brush it off without any issues, but this was a person who had become a friend. It didn't help that my personal life was in shambles at the same. I quit blogging shortly after that.
Which brings me to today.If you blog once and connect with even a few people, the lure back to it is undeniable.You feel a tug every now and then. So I am back and this time around, it is with no fear of being "found out". What will be written here will be 100% authentic me, my thoughts. What I will write about here remains to be seen.. So let the journey begin!!
